exit Japón, enter transformation

sayonara Japón, I am flying away. have I changed? have I been transformed?  I am flying away, and when flying away I always wonder about change.

me, I like to be changed, I want it. but it is also disorienting. I like to be disoriented, but that can be tiring. and I don’t want to save my energy, I don’t want to save anything, but sometimes after change, after disorientation, after tiredness, sometimes I also feel sad. maybe being changed implies parting with oneself, one other self, one of selves.

performance research: for 2 months I’ve constantly been meeting new people and observing myself deal with that situation, observing myself present myself, observing which part of myself I allow to surface first. eventually, all of oneself or a lot of oneself is exposed. there’s no doubt about that. fortunately it’s not possible to hide. we know each other better now. though in meeting, in communication, it’s not possible to hide, one can pretty much choose an order, and try to coreograph the way one gets known. pretty much. and since in the meantime one gets changed anyway, then maybe we are safe from being completely known…

it’s obvious that I am not interested in being fully graspable. I want to be multiple, somewhat too big, and at the same time as open as possible. I want to have to be explored and I want to facilitate the trip.

in these 2 months I’ve constantly been meeting people. I feel those meetings (can, will, have) inform(ed) my ideas on performativity. Robert Steijn’s workshops come to my mind when I think that in choosing the way one presents oneself one tries to define the relation one will have with one’s audience. the way one presents oneself is the way to build up a (new) relationship. the way one builds up relationships is a way to build up oneself.

though it’s quite an inspiring reflective practice, the thing is that I also get very stimulated by it. in these 2 months I’ve constantly been meeting people, and it probably means I was constantly being changed. now I am flying away, and I feel a bit sad, and I wonder if I’m sad about parting with my old self or about nothing in particular. or maybe I’m just sad about parting with all the gorgeous people I’ve met in these 2 months.

thank you for everything.


One Response

  1. If you are flying, you are increasing yourself. Abert Einstein said that the speed increase the volume of a body which wil be mass-infinite at light speed.
    But, certanly, you wil be smaller in Amstrdam, when thw plne stops.
    But yor spirit will be built up permanently, I think.

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